Why are they all getting married in college?
Last week Sarah and I led a talk for the newly formed Asian American Fellowship at SPU (a.k.a. “The Hyphen”) of which I serve as faculty advisor. SPU has hosted dating/marriage seminars before, but I thought it would be profitable to have a discussion for just our Asian students. I started off by asking the question, “How many of you have friends or know someone who will get married in college?” Most all of them raised their hands. Then I asked, “How many of you plan to get married in college?” Not a single hand went up. I suspected such a result. Most Asians do not plan on getting married until they are in their mid to late 20s. I asked the students what they thought about getting married in college and they remarked, “Weird.” “I’m just a kid.” “They’re crazy.”
I recall having similar thoughts about marriage when I entered college. Then I started attending a church that was strongly influenced by conservative American Christian culture. I remember our college pastor invited his pastor friend and his college group from Nebraska to visit. I remember hearing from some of my friends who got to know some of their girls that these girls from Nebraska were actively on the hunt to find a husband with the hopes of getting married in college. Some of them admitted that should they marry in college some might consider dropping out of school. We joked that they were on track for the Mrs. degree.
My college pastor got married at the age of 23. That was the youngest any of the men in our church got married, so in an act of bravado I declared that I would be married at 22. A friend of mine even wrote a song called “22.” The only line from the song I remember is: “Twenty-two! Twenty-two! I’m coming after you!” Well I didn’t make 22. The record remained at 23 and all I could muster was a tie.
Sarah and I shared with the group what we considered the pros and cons of getting married early. Pros: marriage encourages one to mature, take responsibility, be decisive. I said the longer one pushes off marriage one oftentimes pushes off responsibility. But for the most part we couldn’t come up with many reasons to hurry. We both agreed, “What does it hurt to wait?” This gives time for personal growth, allows one to experience life as a working adult, personal exploration, etc. Sure there are plenty of stories of people who were young and naive like us, got married, and went on to have successful marriages. But I cannot help think of some of my friends who like us got married young, and were already divorced by their mid 20s. I can’t help think of one friend who was part of the same church community as me and is now divorced. She doesn’t entirely blame our church but she has remarked, “Why didn’t anyone caution us?” I recall her relationship was very volatile with her boyfriend. They broke up before he went off to med school. During one winter break he returns and within a couple of weeks they are engaged.
I also talked about courting v. dating. In a Caucasian conservative Christian setting courting is quite popular. I’m certainly not a proponent of casual dating if that means games of conquest. Courting sounds more spiritual. But one can fall into the danger of assuming too much. I.e., courting assumes that you have found the person you want to marry. If one doubts the relationship they are oftentimes viewed as having “spiritual doubts.” I told the students whether dating or courting, the relationship has to be such that they need to be able to walk away from it since they aren’t married yet.
Note: for all you 25 & up don’t ask me for any dating advice. I stopped dating at 23 so I have no clue what it’s like to date post-college.
I think marriage later presents a whole host of difficulties;
a) the whole child birth thing works best between 18-30
b) once two people have “figured out who they are” and rolled the toilet paper their way, paid the bills their way, gone to their church, etc. it’s way harder to create a consensus on what “we” are going to do.
c) putting off marriage for many people means putting off sex. If you believe sex has to wait for marriage, 25-30 is a long time from 12 or whenever your sex drive kicks in. Most of us can handle 20 or so though. The later people get married, the less likely they are to have waited.
d) putting off marriage so you can “travel,” or “have a life,” or “do fun things,” or “establish who you are” or, even better, “finish college and build a career,” inherently implies that marriage is contrary to those things. As a woman married at 19, I beg to differ. It just takes more planning and a lot more cooperative work.
e) putting off marriage often means prolonging adolescence. What do people want you to do while your single? Be a kid. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty sure 18 is considered adulthood. You’re not “just a kid.” Unless you just choose not to (or the older adultsin your life choose to discourage you), you can pay bills, provide for a wife, maintain a home, build a career, and committ to important concepts like love, marriage, family and work. For so many people, putting off marriage = putting off adulthood.
and last but not least;
f) putting off marriage until later means I get more dirty looks from late-twenties-pushing-early-thirties women who broke up with their college sweetheart so they could “enjoy their college years,” and are now forming “singles groups,” and celebrating Ro-tic Day (Romanitc w/out the “man”) desperately wondering “why they can’t find any good guys.”
Saidah, I’ve been on vacation hence the late reply. Very thoughtful comments. I’m well aware of the challenges of marrying late in life as well (note my most “recent” post on Emerging Adulthood). I don’t know if you’ve been around evangelical colleges, but they do tend to possess a culture of marriage hysteria. Marriage is considered “bliss,” women are out for the “Mrs. degree,” or for guys marriage means “losing my virginity and becoming a real man.” O.k., this is a bit of a caricature but “ring by Spring” is not uncommon. In such an environment I think it is vital to encourage my students to be critical. Yes, waiting poses challenges for sexual fidelity but divorce sure ain’t pretty either. And I’m not advocating for waiting ’til you’re 35 and have an established career. Ideally I’d say find someone in college and marry a year or two out.
Here’s an example of where I think it would have been better to wait: I had a freshmen student who was married just as her husband enlisted in the military. He got stationed in the Seattle area and their plan was for her to get her degree from SPU while he was stationed here. After one quarter he receives news he is going to be shipped off to Afghanistan. So she drops out of SPU and moves back to the midwest to go to a nearby community college. She will not see her husband for months and it is likely he will be sent on multiple tours. I can’t help think what was the rush? He’s a recently enlisted man so he has little control where he will be stationed. She has plans for an education. She will miss out on the experience of community with college classmates because her education is dictated around her husband’s situation. Why not wait ’til he is more stable and then marry? I’m not saying break up but why not date for now? I wonder if it is b/c they were fearful that they would break up if they dated long distance. I am fearful that they will divorce from a long distance. Yes there is a high rate of sex outside of marriage for evangelicals. But there is also a high rate of divorce as well.